Protect Your Light

A person who tirelessly tries to protect others from their darkness…

Carries the risk of it devouring their own light

Therapeutic Rambling

I’m impressed with Therapist Lady

This silly little therapeutic writing exercise she’s recommended has turned into an actual habit

An enjoyable release

An open diary to anyone who will read

I’ve written more in the past year than I have in a very long time

As a girl, I’d fill my journals with scribbles, poems, and little thoughts

I lost that somewhere

Probably after my privacy was breached by my parental units a few too many times

How dare they?

How could they?

Use my internal thoughts against me and punish me for having feelings

Never teaching me to regulate my own

I found my way and would scribble them all out

And they took that from me too

No wonder I still need so much therapy

I know they were “trying their best,” but goddamn it

Basic human rights like privacy, body autonomy, and respect aren’t hard to provide another human

No matter what your role

They felt they owned me, and my thoughts and beliefs needed to match their own

Did they only procreate to try to create another little warrior for Jesus?

No, that can’t be it

They’ve reminded me more than once that I was an accident

“But God knows what he’s doing and makes no mistakes”

Yeah, ok. Well, I still think Hitler’s mother should have had an abortion

And some days I wish they had too

The Freedom of an Artform

I love writing under the influence of ketamine

It might not make sense to you

But it makes sense to me

And I don’t write for you

I write for me

Special K – The Therapeutic Way

Treatment felt peaceful

Relaxed and calming

Got some time to talk with my brain

Reflect with my deeper consciousness

And oomph, I get why some days I feel totally insane

Set my intentions and work through the pain

I’m drained

But in a good way

Woke up feeling alive and rejuvenated

But there’s still heavy thoughts in my head

Why does my sadness like to hide in the dark

And why do strangers bring me a sense of dread

Fuck capitalism and the big pharma fucks

Keeping people sick so they make big bucks

I’m going to continue to heal with holistic drugs

The way nature intended

With her organic love

Adderall at the Airport

Makes me jittery

And open to talk to strangers

Sometimes good, sometimes bad

I dislike small talk

But when I find the person who wants to dive deep

It keeps me awake

Slows down my thoughts so I can articulate

Let’s chat about Hamas and their fucking gross hate

What about the solar eclipse

And people who use only dating apps to mate

Children screaming in the terminal

I’m actually envious of their freedom in emotion

I, too, would like to scream like that in public sometimes

ADHDJ – 10 songs on repeat

My favorite binge shows are all downloaded just in case

I can’t concentrate on books yet because I need to watch the gate

Sometimes, I dislike this brain of mine

I know I can’t sleep on the plane

I just hope I’m not seated next to the belligerent

Mad at his friend for telling him to chill

He keeps asking the flight attendant for a date

She’s annoyed. I’m annoyed.

Drink some water, bro

Take the L in pride

Every bar closed here at 9 – how did you get so lit?

I’m actually kinda envious of your liquid courage

I wish I were 8 beers deep

I’m losing time with my son for a fucking stupid late flight

I’m guilty as mom, but I’ve got to paper chase

I hope your father loves you gently like I do

I don’t want to fight or bring hate

I’m tired, frustrated, and please just let me on this flight

I’m headed to the homeland where my witches unite

Yet I won’t even get time with my sisters

Because I’m too busy in this bullshit corporate fight

A Friend to All is a Friend to None.

Be weary of the ones who can’t stand their own company

The ones that always need constant distractions

For if they don’t even enjoy themselves

How are you supposed to?

Why is it that they can not just “be”?

If they claim boredom, then they are just boring people

Extroverted?

Fine, but when do you make time to love yourself?

Are your demons too loud without all the extra noise?

When will you ever heal?

If one is constantly absorbing the energies of others

What is their true nature or energetic field?

Doubtful that they even know

Find peace within yourself

And you’ll never spend another day lonely again

Because in the end…

You are all you REALLY have.

Romantic Hike

Take me for a nature hike through the forest,

And then raw dog me behind a tree.

July Glimmers

Quick sidebar: Glimmers are internal or external cues that help us feel joy, safety, or connection. The opposite of triggers, which are danger cues that make us feel threatened, leading us to fight, run away, freeze or fawn

A butterfly floating by.

A new plant.

The refreshing cool splash of water on a hot day.

Alien sightings.

A sip of cold brew in the am.

Bees collecting pollen from a flower.

A sweet giggle from my child.

A message back from that special someone.

Writing with no pressure.

Practicing my banjo.

Coxinhas and Guarana.

Nature walks and spotting an alligator.

Roller blading in the evening.

Disney trips and watching H’s eyes light up.

A huge dab of live rosin.

U Remind Me of Rain

Today, I danced in the rain.

I ran through the puddles and dodged the lightning.

I let any hesitation or fear of judgment go.

Let my inner child play the way that she deserves.

There’s just something soul cleansing about a summer rain.

The smell of the sidewalk when it first meets the raindrops.

The muggy humidity that creeps in and frizzes my hair.

Cleansed by nature.

I hope you do the same one day very soon.

Is it My Trauma or is it Just Me?

Judgement. Human nature’s way of perception without evidence. Guilty until proven innocent. (Ironic, huh?)

Temptation. A dangerous game keeps the adrenaline going. They say if you play with fire, you might get burnt. (Yeah, that’s the point.)

Confusion. When my head says one thing while my heart is screaming another. If the writing is on the wall, it must be invisible ink. (Is it worth it?)

Emotion. Irrational responses to unknown triggers. Put the walls back up. Stay quiet. (Stay safe.)

Passion. The north star. The reason for living and deep-rooted desire. But when there’s too many cooks in the kitchen, all chaos ensues. (It is fun to watch, though.)

Secrecy. A hidden agenda is what gives the unknown antagonist their role. I always enjoy an unspoken parlay. (Parlez.)

Desire. The south star, if you know what I mean. Soft lips on soft skin. Some will go too far for a taste. (Run away with me.)

Inspiration. The reason. The way the moon pushes the sun to rise every day out of the darkness. (It’s so fucking beautiful, isn’t it?)

Captivation. Hook, line, and sinker. I hope this means something to you. (Sempre.)

Therapy Dupes

Fizzy drinks.  Bonus points if they contain alcohol to help with the masking.

Diet Coke. See above. Plus, it contains caffeine, not too sweet, and feels good when you swish, no burn.

The beach.  All of it.  The sand squishing between my toes,  the sticky salty air, the waves when I dive into them, and they crash over my back, the brightest sunshine. All. Of. It.

Hot wax. Burns a little at first, but not bad. Fun to peel off once it dries. Smells good.

Raw fish. Delicious, tickles my tastes buds, never a “too full” feeling, fresh and variety.

Cannabis. Enough said.

Plant shopping. Helps current hyperfixation, lots of variety and options, provide oxygen and are good for mental health, and they’re cute to look at.

Shoulder rubs. Releases tension, could be tender or rough, gives goosebumps, and helps to relax.

Writing without structure. Gives creative freedom, I’m not very good at rhyming, and it allows me to write how I speak.

… to be continued.