Sonshine on a Rainy Day

Unbreakable. Resilient. Survivor.

Miss Independent, but the walls of my fortress were built on swamp land. Never asking for assistance or wanting a hand.

I’ve put myself here, but who can I trust? Give your love. Give your soul. Give your life. Gave it all for that lover who favored lust.

The trauma of trying and caring too much. I sought freedom from that other lover, and he decided the value of my life then wasn’t enough.

“Friends” turn their back when I’ve had a bad day. They’d sing praises to my face and then slander my name. Sex and drugs to numb the pain, while my favorite songs don’t even sound the same.

I’m riding solo. Always left alone to put back together all my broken pieces, reparo.

I’m too broken. I’m no longer resilient. I have no desire to survive. The darkness is winning…  I think it’s time…

Then I see you… the beautiful, big brown eyes looking up at me. The perfect curls and smile that I created within my own body. The sweetest small voice calling out in need…

So, tonight, I’ll just stay a bit longer in the shower. I’ll silently scream and try to take back my power. I’ll call my therapist again and book extra hours.

I’ll push forward like I always do. For you. Only for you. 

…thank you.

You’re So Vain, I Bet You Think These Words Are About You.

Oh, silly one,  don’t you know that a love like this does not envy, nor does it boast? It just exists.

Don’t you know that your happiness brings happiness? Always. Your smile brings smiles. Always.

Don’t you know that this type of infatuation lives beyond the pages of a scribbled journal? Beyond the taps on a keyboard.

Don’t you know that you’ll always make your way back… because the fire brings you a warmth like nothing else can.

Don’t you know that you can’t build a nest with a shallow foundation?

Don’t you know that with every success you achieve… I celebrate with you? Your pain… I feel it, too.

Oh, silly one, don’t you know that I love you? Even more than you know how to.

Love Me Like I Love Me.

Sometimes, I miss the nights of irresponsible decisions and reckless choices.

I miss the freedom of my time being my own. My own to choose where to spend it and with whom.

The nights would turn into mornings, and I’d quickly recover with a redbull and a quick shower. I’d rush into work, whichever role was scheduled for that day.

I’d work all day to keep myself busy and sheltered. 3 jobs some days, even some Saturdays. It’s been a habit since early adulthood.  3 jobs, no sleep.  Sometimes, add some classes for a little extra spice. This was life.

I miss the feeling that my hyper independence would give me. Even when my kindness became a weakness while I would waste my time and energy supporting others with my work ethics.

The shifts would stack, and the money wouldn’t, but I was never late on a bill. Living paycheck to paycheck and picking up (probably very illegal) extra swim lessons for a $20. The dollar tree became the food plug, but that $20 would make meals for myself and another to last a week.

Ya girl was tired. But I did what I wanted. I’ve never depended on another. Why would I? I do this all by myself. Have been.

I will never settle back into a relationship where I was begging to be loved. Begging to feel heard. Begging to been seen. Why don’t you see me anymore?! Why don’t you care?

Never again. I love myself too much for that.

Cheers to Stella Artois

I’m naked and high in the sunshine.

I highly recommend it.

Blame the White Witch in Love

If anyone falls in love with her, you better pray for their soul. She’ll make you cry, make you break down and shatter your illusions of love.

She’ll enchant you with auburn locks that reach to her waist. Pull you in with her eyes of sky blue. Then she’ll push you away with her sharp tongue and melancholy emotions.

She’ll entice you with exciting spontaneous requests one day. The next, she’ll leave you bored with the lethargic need to recharge.

She keeps the company of life that can’t talk back and a shelf full of spirits that bring her demons to the surface.

Her passion will scare you. Excite you. Drive you mad. One day, you know she loves you. She may be awestruck. She may truly care.

Another day, she may be tired. So she may disappear. Back to the gypsy that she once was. But no one walks away from this battle.

You’ll beg for her to stop dragging your heart around.

She’ll respond while looking you in the eye, that players only love you when they’re playing.

She’s never been loved right. She doesn’t know how to fight right. She can’t open her heart right.

Sometimes, Even Mermaids Drown

You can only pretend for so long before the darkness will take your voice.

The waves crash together as they wash you onto shore.

You try to laugh, you try to sing… you try to scream.

No one understands where you’ve come from or how you’ve gotten this far. Yet, they are mesmerized.

Captivated.

Unable to answer. Unable to ask questions. The curse spreads. The only choice is fleeing.

The surface is much too loud. Too chaotic. Overwhelmed, you retreat to the depths where it’s quiet.

With stoic motions, you swim along. Wishing the flow would take you away.

Who will rescue you?

You go deeper into the darkness. Deep enough where the light doesn’t shine on you any longer.

You try to laugh. You try to sing…. you try to scream.

Silent scream after silent scream. Your voice is gone, and you’re left with a choice…

Sink or swim.

It’s hard to hear you. My weed’s too loud.

It’s hard to hear you. My weed’s too loud.

I’ll Never be a Yoko Ono

I’d rather be more supportive than selfish.

Lust, love, peace, harmony, desire, fate, passion.. at what cost?

I’d rather be the biggest fan than break up the band.

Imagine unconditional love at the expense of your dreams?

I’d rather share love from a distance than suffocate the creativity.

How do you sleep at night knowing the universe has already created destiny?

I’d rather accept the challenge than be the jealous guy.

33 Lessons to Remember before Year 33

1. That family, flowers and walks through nature make me happier than designer purses, nice jewelry, or fancy cars ever could.

2. Eat the carbs. Enjoy the wine. Always.

3. When the universe blocks something, it means something better is coming.

4. The moon will be there to support me and remain judgment free more than any “religious congregation” has ever.

5. Slow down. The world’s hustle isn’t my path.

6. Romanticize moments. Romanticize life.

7. Everything is content. Whether it makes the feed, it feeds my creative soul.

8. Take better care of myself. Drink more water. Sit in the sun longer. Rest.

9. Regulating my emotions is the most challenging part of motherhood for me, but I’m learning and working on myself so I can be the better example.

10. Stop worrying about the things I can not control. Not my pig, not my farm mentality only.

11. When the ocean calls, answer. That is how I cleanse my soul.

12. More plants, less pants.

13. Invest in activities that will create memories more than material possessions.

14. Opportunities present themselves when you least expect it, but need them the most.

15. Never stop therapy. My healing journey will never fully be complete.

16. ADHD is a superpower. Embrace my differences and learn how to function in the world of neurotypicals.

17. Take the scenic route. You may find adventure you never expected.

18. Sit with yourself in silence sometimes. Listen to your thoughts and feel all of the emotions.

19. Travel. Fulfill the wanderlust cravings.

20. Get lost in the woods.

21. Stay close to water. Oceans, rivers, lakes, pools, long baths. I need water to balance myself.

22. CREAM. Compassion Rules Everything Around Me.

23. Never stop sending love. The universe will reciprocate it even if others do not.

24. Protect my energy. When the vibe isn’t right, remove the source.

25. Value all of the seasons. The cycle of change is important. With each new season, there is a new lesson.

26. Skincare is a must.

27. Wear the damn shorts. The damn bikini. The damn crop top. This body grew and birthed an entire human. Embrace it and love it.

28. Soak in the cuddles and the sticky kisses. Children don’t keep. This time is so precious.

29. Keep writing. Write poetry. Write thoughts. Write love notes. Always keep writing.

30. Living in a ‘van’ down by the river actually IS the goal.

31. No one will remember my salary or my job title… but they will remember how I made them feel.

32. Show my son the world. We aren’t meant to be chained to desks for 8 hours a day. Fuck the societal standards for education.

33. Play like a child often. Dance in the rain. Sing loudly and off key. Make messes. Stay forever young.

Why is it Always the Things That I Love That Hurt Me the Most?

I ask myself… too often.